Hi LinkedIn, I'm thrilled to announce that I'll be taking it day by day!

At around this time last year, I was frantically trying to score a summer internship. I wrote a little bit about that experience as I was going through it.

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Hi,

My name is Caitlin Taylor So and I am currently a rising sophomore in college studying writing, literature, and publishing. I believe I could be a valuable asset to your team.

Copy, paste, and send. Copy, paste, and send. Again and again.

I lost track of the number of emails I sent, the cover letters I wrote, and the time I spent trying to find a summer internship or job that I could possibly qualify for with my limited experience and lack of a college degree.

Partly because I applied to so many, but also because, after a while, my mind went numb. I wanted something, anything, to showcase on my resume and LinkedIn profile. I wanted to bring my skills and sense of determination to a company that would recognize and value them. After I sent an application, I went onto the next. And the next. 

I made sure to customize each cover letter, made sure to let my creativity shine. I was more than a stuffy, robotic professional; no, I had personality! At least that's what I tried to communicate. I knew it would be hard with my resume alone and the fact that I had merely finished my freshman year, so I made up for it the best I could. Each cover letter held a fervent promise: Yes, I'm up for the job. I'm capable. I'm passionate. I can prove it. I will prove it.

Trust (in) me.

I didn't have much success. Some companies sent automated rejection emails. Some companies didn't bother to respond. I didn't allow this to discourage me. I still had time. There were still postings on the various job sites I checked daily.

The voice that crept up in my head grew louder, colder: Why didn't you start applying sooner? Stupid. Irresponsible. 

Because I had other obligations, I rationalized. I was finishing a 20-page thesis paper for my honors class and desperately trying to write essays for my other classes. The last thing I wanted to do was write more...or think about more work.

This would calm the voice down. For the time being.

So, I kept trying. Kept applying. The promises, more brief and rushed. I found listings with one-click apply buttons. Fast. Easy. Convenient. Too good to be true.

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If you were wondering, most of those listings with one-click apply buttons actually responded to me with interview requests in a matter of days. All of them ended up being pyramid schemes.

I also got pretty far with a non-profit organization that required me to fundraise $500 for them... without anything in return. What could I say? I was desperate and unfocused, leading me to apply to companies that I should have researched more thoroughly.

I ended up not scoring whatever dream internship I had built up in my head. Instead, I focused on getting my driver's license, networking, volunteering, and hanging out with friends. This summer though, I can't even do any of that.

The lockdown has put a lot into perspective. Being forced to stay at home makes it significantly harder to avoid confronting your thoughts. I never truly realized how much my self-worth was contingent upon the need to prove myself to someone else. My value as a person would be measured by my academic and professional accomplishments and awards. My writing wasn't good enough unless I was published in x-number of literary journals. My LinkedIn profile represented my very best self.

To be fair, that's how most people think. It's the capitalistic spirit cultivated in us all. Also how else would I introduce myself to my extended Asian relatives? But it is... exhausting. The more of an emphasis you place on productivity, the less you place on your health, hobbies, loved ones, and everything else in your life that exists outside work. Even when I would hang out with friends, many of our conversations revolved around our progress in college and our attempts in securing internships and jobs. Many of my friends last summer accepted incredible opportunities that served as stepping stones to their prospective careers. Of course, I couldn't be happier for my friends, but at the same time, I couldn't help feeling incredibly behind. The industry I wanted to work in was already risky and I didn't have an internship or job laid out for me? In my eyes, this was a recipe for disaster. 

This summer, many of us are all on the same page—though some have it much worse than others. It shouldn't have taken a literal global pandemic for me to realize that success isn't everything, but the extremity of our current situation has completely knocked down the illusionary career ladder. We're all just trying to figure out where to go from here, no matter our age or career. During this time, I look to my 5th grade "Wish for the World" in my elementary school yearbook: I wish for everybody in this world to be happy and healthy everyday. 11 year old me had her priorities straight. 

Stay happy and healthy everyone.